The Wewwy Wewwy Fun Pawk

This is kind of a re-post.  A re-do.  Reiterate. Re...whatever you want.  
I will try to post regular updates on our current situation. If you're interested or even just desperately bored, read on.  Read often. If you're looking for politcal correctness, constant upbeat Pollyanna attitude, or sugar coating reality, stop now and don't read further.  Ever.  I am not politically correct.  I say what I feel and never mean to offend, so in the words of President Thomas S. Monson, "Don't take offense where none is intended".  (I don't think that's one of his famous gems of wisdom, but I heard it in a talk once and loved it---and have never forgotten it!)  I may use words that aren't eloquent.  I'll probably overshare ... TMI...consider yourself warned.   But I'm just going to get it all out here, probably more therapeutic for me than informational for you.   Just think of it as reading Marcia Brady's diary, only unlike Cindy, you're not going to get busted for it.

What I've noticed is some days I really need/want to talk about it all, and some days I just want it to go away and never speak the dreaded words...

SPINAL CORD INJURY.  Spinal infarction.  Ischemic lesion in spinal cord.   Parapalegia  Medical Rehab (as opposed to substance! Just medical people, just medical here.)  Physical Therapy.  Occupational Therapy.  Recreational Therapy (ok that one isn't so bad, but...)

Brown-Sequard Syndrome. (syndrome?!) 
Am I a syndrome?
And then there are the buzz words I'm learning ...
"Transfers"  "Mobility"  "Tone"  "Clonus"  "Hyper reflexes" "Nerve stimuli" "Spinal Precautions"  "Foot Drop"
"Handicapped access"  "Disability" "Neuro....anything"

And of course...equipment....
WHEELCHAIR (gross).  Walker.  Harness.  Boot.  Binder. Botox. Brace.   

Lots of words.  That didn't pertain to me til May 10.  But they do now.  And will forever.  Maybe not as much as time goes on, but they will be part of my new normal forever. 

Brown Sequard Syndrome.  Do I look like I have it? Because I do.  I really do.  And today I'm mad.  My sweet sister in law took the kids to the park. You know, "the wewwy, wewwy fun pawk wif a stweem?" Halle tells me.  Yep.  I know just the one; the really, really fun park with a stream.  But...
But.
But.
But!
I want to be running in the stream with them! And sitting on the bench watching them! Or laying on a blanket with them! But(!) my back hurts so badly today I can hardly sit up much less sit on a bench.   And I'd give anything to run through a stream with them at a park. I never thought that would be something I took for granted. I did. I never would again. Ever.

Sometimes I look at young moms--most of Halle's friends moms are much younger than me--and their 5 yrs olds have something amazing to say. Or show them. And I think, crouch down to their eye level and LISTEN to them. DO with them. GO and SEE with them. Don't miss a minute with your kiddos. It goes so fast. Or it gets taken away and you can't get it back.  Or someone else - who is wonderful and kind to even take your kids when its 90+ degrees outside - gets those moments with them. 

But I'm still mad that I don't get to go. Grateful & mad are two emotions that are difficult to reconcile.

Thank heaven I have good people in my life (like my sister in law!) who are willing to take the kids to the park to play. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for that.  It's more important that the kids get the moments than me. They're going stir crazy in this house. But...I'm going to fuss anyway. I'm just in the mood to fuss. Because I just wish I could be there with them. And I wish I had savored every single one of those moments when I could do it myself with my kids.  With my own arms wrapped around them, pushing them on the swing, catching them at the bottom of the slide. On my legs. My babies. My children. My heart.